Perfect Madness (a stolen title)

I just finished reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. I'm not usually into self-helpiness. But when you need it, you need it and you'll try anything. I was charmed by her Ted(xHouston) talk The Power of Vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html so I figured the book would provide that much more insight. It did.

Made me cry. Oh the truth of it all. One of the most moving parts (there are a zillion) was about perfectionism. Guess what? It's not the same as striving, or just trying to improve oneself. Hah. It is the enemy of these things and most importantly, it is the enemy of self acceptance. It feeds on shame, is self-destroying and addictive, and ultimately, prevents any sense of belonging or peace. Well...I've spent my whole life as a perfectionist. This oughta be fun to snap out of.

Perfectionism is self destructive if only because there isn't any such thing as perfect. True? True. Tell that to the gymnastics judge wielding her poisonous pencil. (I know, cry me a river but indulge me just for a moment. Think of it as an analogy. Don't be too literal.) In gymnastics, we don't even start from ten. We begin the day at less than perfect, we aim to build enough difficulty back into our routines that we earn back the right to be perceived as perfect, before the deductions start and we get kicked back down the stairs to not quite good enough again. What a fucked up system.  Not that I'm a believer in the "Everyone Wins! Everyone gets a trophy!" form of sportsmanship. I don't. It's just as important to learn to lose (or not win) with dignity, to participate because it's fun and striving towards mastery is productive and fulfilling, as it is to learn to win with grace. But isn't there something in the middle - between the "you will always be less than perfect" point system, and the Polyanna "everyone's a winner" bullshit? Surely there must be. I don't know what it is but I am in search of it. For my kids' sake.

I hate to always blame gymnastics for everything. It's pathetic and annoying. And it really isn't gymnastics' fault. I was born a perfectionist. Always wanting to live perfectly, strive perfectly, be perfect to avoid the painful feelings of shame that are my vile, ever-present trigger into the dark. Gymnastics didn't cause this. I WAS this and found gymnastics because it fit the bill. And it reinforced this way of living for me. It reinforced my own emotional belief system. And then it worked for me. I might not have gotten 10's but I got lots of 9.8's and 9.75's which meant almost perfect. It meant that if I believed in the system of perfectionism and worked hard enough to be almost perfect, it would pay off. Except it didn't, not for the long term anyway.

Boy do I sound like a whiner. There are children starving in Africa and all that. Maybe more to the point, I have friends who are sick, who have lost children, who never had children. I really should be ok with my situation. But I'm in some sort of emotional death spiral where I keep re-visiting the same issues trying to understand why I can't just be ok with myself. With my decisions. With my divorce. Which is really what it all comes back to right now.

Maybe if I repeat it enough - I'm not perfect and that's ok. No one is. I'm divorced (almost) but I'm still worthy of love and respect. I will figure this out. I will - I will believe it. Or maybe it just won't hurt so much. Even if it always hurts a little.

I'm told that compassion for yourself can change your entire day, your life when enough good days are chewing-gummed and scotch taped together. I wouldn't know. I've never practiced it. But I figure I'd better start now.