More Mr. Peters

The Don Peters follow up is reported in Forbes. I have to admit, I'm glad. And I feel somewhat vindicated, personally. I know it isn't about that. It's about the girls who were hurt by this man. That is and has always been my biggest concern. My good friend Doe, in particular.

And now, their strength and courage is the biggest reason to take a moment to observe the profundity of the situation.

Does anyone now wonder why I wasn't all that concerned that he would sue me for libel? It is generally considered a requirement that the claim be false for the statement to be deemed as libelous.

3rd Grade Afro

I love this picture. Wyatt's 3rd grade school photo. I mean please. What a cool dude. I think there might be a pick in the back.

The Joys of Enlightening Epiphanies

Epiphanies abound these days. Epiphanies about my writing and what I am free to share and not. Epiphanies about my work and the role it plays in my life (spoiler alert: it does not define me). Epiphanies about money and what it provides and doesn't. How much I need. How I spend it or don't. I can now walk into a store and buy something - even a big something like a new computer - and not leave with the horror that the world as I know it may end or that the sky will fall, my bank account depleted. I can leave the Apple store and feel happy and excited about what this new purchase will provide me with - the opportunity to write stuff! I can walk into the street without crushing guilt, without feeling like I need to hide it in a closet or quickly save that money back. I am responsible when it comes to money and I can actually afford to have made this purchase. Joy!

Epiphanies about my children and how to build their confidence. My son Virgil walked home from school by himself on Friday, a mile and half through city streets. He made it easily, was beaming when he got here. I was a wreck. But he did it. And I fully understand - now - that they are not mine, that they are merely loaned to me for a time and I can only do the best I can to prepare them to leave me. Epiphanies about the nature of love and trust and kindness. And forgiveness. And the realities of my marriage and how to resolve them now that we are not together anymore. Therapy is a wonder.

In my last session, my therapist asked me why I believed all those years that I was married that my husband loved me. He said: you didn't have a lot of evidence of that. Why did you believe it? Gut punch. I clarified. I am focusing on the troubles, there were good times. We were in love. I love him still, in many ways. Admire and respect him. He is an amazing father. A wholly good human being with a giant intriguing brain. We had our great moments.

Yes, he said, tell me about those. I struggled to think of the right moments that provided the required proof. And yet, I know they happened. Mr Therapist said: but why did you believe? In the face of much evidence to the contrary in the later years? You believed, he said, wholeheartedly. You tried to love enough for the both of you. No we loved each other. We did.

But you need to consider the possibility that he didn't love you in the same way. Gut punch, #2. Well (he saw me flinch), the other possibility is that he did, but couldn't show it in a way that would be felt by you. Ok, yes. That is what I'd always assumed. That one. He loved me but we had different ways of expressing and receiving love. He'd chosen me. And that was enough. For a time.

Mr. Therapist then said, you obviously felt a deep connection to him. What was it? I think it was the darkness. He wore it on his sleeve when we met. I hide mine to the world. I am a stoic. I get up and deal and put on a happy face no matter what. But I feel the darkness, and I saw it in him, and I ran towards it, back then, when I was 24. Why do you respond to that? I don't know. I just do. I have sadness within me and I don't related to people that don't, though I don't live there now. Well, we need to figure this one out. Yes we do.

The following week involved some soul searching. I'd been struggling with the fact for some time, that maybe he never loved me at all, and I knew that I'd loved him. This contorted my gut, the potential one-way-ness of this. Made it so I couldn't sleep. It was ugly and rotting inside, this unease (understatement) was blackening my spirit, my mood, my outlook. Sixteen years that I believed and it was a lie? How to resolve this?

And then I reached an epiphany: so what? Maybe he didn't. Maybe he did. I won't ever really know. He may not even ever really know. And I have to be ok with either answer, because I can't ask now (not RIGHT now anyway, we are not there) and even if I did, the answer may not really be the truth. It may not encompass the entirety of the story. So I have to be ok with either answer, and I have to be ok with not knowing. And I can be. It is where we are. It is true. And it is ok either way.

The important thing(s) NOW are:

1. To be respectful of each other. We are the parents of two amazing boys. We must raise them together long after they are gone from us. Long after they not only walk to school alone. But when they date, and marry, and sire. We will be grandparents together. We will be connected forever through these incredible boys. But it's more than that. We will be connected through our shared experience in youth. And, I hope, through friendship.
2. To understand what worked and didn't and make adjustments in the future. I don't want darkness. I want light. But not so light that there is no understanding of the dark. A tricky balance, to be sure. I want communication and understanding and I need to be able to ask for these things as well as provide them. I was never good at asking for what I needed. I quietly built resentment over time (boy could I be a bitch) and held it against him that he didn't provide what I needed. Needless to say, that doesn't work very well. I need to feel I have the right to ask for these things. For things in general. Not a strong suit of mine. I feel I should be able to deal with what I get, and that if I can't, that is a weakness in me. I am working on this.
3. To wish him joy and love and an amazing relationship that he finds fulfilling in ways that I could not provide. Did not provide. And I am willfully doing this every day. Now. I wasn't. I hated seeing him with his girlfriend around the neighborhood. I've run into them several times and I still have no idea what she looks like. I black out, see stars, my head euphemistically hits the table and all is dark. She could be in my living room right now and I wouldn't recognize her. Next time I see them, I will say hello to her, introduce myself. Smile a genuine smile and hope that he is content. That he feels listened to and supported and also like a man in the ways that men need to; he often felt emasculated with me, and some of it came from his feelings of insecurity but some of it came from me and my unwillingness to allow myself to be taken care of in any way. I'm a stubborn one.

And so here I am. It feels like a plateau. A vista from which I can feel and see peace. I like it here. I want all goodness and happiness for him and for myself. And I think I may be ready to take that in. 

My massive fuck up

I hurt some people that I love dearly with my last post. I shared information I had no right to share. I violated the trust of someone that has gotten me through the toughest of times, the last year most importantly. I am so deeply sorry and horrified at my own indifference. My own recklessness about privacy should never spill over to those that I love who haven't granted permission. For this I am forever sorry. I only hope that I can rebuild the trust that has taken years to create. This friendship means everything to me. I will work and do everything that I can to show that I understand what I did, that I am utterly remorseful and that I am worthy of the trust once granted to me. I fucked up.

USAG's half-hearted acknowledgment

The USAG's response leaves a bit to be desired, if you ask me. Having policies that are updated regularly is not the same as enforcing them. Stealing money may be illegal, but if the government doesn't enforce it, it might as well not be (oh yeah, they don't! Oops. Not when it's a lot of money stolen by banks. Only when it's a little money stolen by common criminals. Bankers are "uncommon criminals" I suppose, and apparently above the law.) Here I go again, digressing.


But Mr. Penny, forgive me if I call bullshit ... AGAIN. But feigning "oh my" ignorance, as if you were just becoming aware of the allegations against Mr. Boger and Mr. Peters for the first time in these recent articles is a bit much. These issues were brought to you almost a year ago. And nothing was done. Or nothing substantive, I should say. Yes, you went through the motions. But real action? No.


The pressure from the recent press must have made your lack of action indefensible. Hence the banning and such. Not that the inaction wasn't already indefensible, but I guess not that many people knew about it, so it was easy to get away with it. Not no more.


Please sir, a little outrage might be appropriate. Outrage on behalf of the girls. Instead of this:

The protection of our athletes warrants a prudent and deliberate investigation of misconduct. Most important in these instances is to take every step necessary to come to a correct conclusion following a complete review of the circumstances.


The second sentence sounds like a whole lot of foot dragging to me. And I also hear a healthy helping of defensiveness here:

The cases mentioned in the Register series involve incidents that occurred nearly 30 years ago, but by no means are indicative of our sport's culture.


Really? Are you sure about that? Both these guys were coaching very recently. Boger, when the article came out. Peters just months before. I suspect Mr. Peters' abrupt "retirement" had something to do with the fact that these articles were about to be published. Though I'm fairly certain he'd deny that. 


Mr. Penny, these mealy mouthed words fail to address the issue effectively. Stand up and DO something. Launch an investigation! Commit to legal action not just 'banning' from the sport. Nut up and show a little chutzpah and fatherly rage on behalf of the girls that make your sport what it is. 

Part 2: Doug Boger coach of Flairs Gymnastics

I think part 2 of the gymnastics abuse articles might be more disturbing than part 1. These girls are brave. I'm honored to know them and call some of them friends. And again, for those that would argue, this happened "then", please keep in mind this man still coaches. Or was, I assume, up until about 8a.m. this morning when this piece came out.

The insidious effects of this kind of abuse are salient. These girls (now women) learn not to trust their experiences. To require outside validation for everything. Something bad happened to them as children, really bad, and it was ignored, or worse yet, they were told "This isn't happening. Just keep your mouth shut." Try to grasp the impact of this. You grow up, you have an experience, and you go, did that just happen? Someone said I was bad or stupid or ugly or mean, maybe I am? I don't think so, but maybe I am because he/she said so. I deserve this treatment because I am bad. I will accept it. If I am better, it won't happen anymore.

And so for those who say: this happened over 20 years ago. Get over it. I say: not so easy. These women are strong, and brave, and courageous. To come forward, trust their own experience, and be willing to shout it from the rooftops and take the criticisms that ensue. It is the first step towards believing in one's own worthiness. Go Julie. Go Doe. Go ladies go.

An apology...perhaps?

I'm not one to get too angry. If I'm criticized by someone or a massive group of someones, I generally turn it towards myself. What did I do? What could I have done differently? Was my perception skewed to begin with? Maybe I was just too much of a wimp? Could I have shared this information in such a way that it would have been more likely to be received? Did I not work hard enough? Did I deserve mistreatment? This litany of questions that I regularly direct towards myself is not reserved for criticism surrounding my book. I do it at work. I did it in my marriage. I do it everywhere.

Amidst the group pile-ons around "Chalked Up" (Reader Reviews or Is Jennifer Sey a Liar?), I never got truly mad. (There were a lot more that were a lot harsher than these, I just can't find them right now but I digress...) I sometimes felt unsure of myself. Questioned my experiences, my worth. But I wasn't angry - at least that wasn't the over-riding feeling.

But here's the thing. Now that the Peters' improprieties I alluded to have been confirmed by actual victims - and I do recognize that these are still allegations not charges - I'm mad. I think I actually want an apology. No, I do want one. That's saying a lot for me.  And here's the other thing - people knew. People that mattered knew. Back then. It was discussed. It was whispered and swept under the rug. And those in charge, chose to protect him. Of this, I am certain. Yes I'm mad. This is bullshit.

And for all of you out there who are saying: well, that was in the 80s. It's different now. I call bullshit again. Peters was still coaching up until about a month ago. You think he changed since the 80s? Unlikely. These leopards don't change their spots because the decade lurches forward.

I'm channeling "Network". I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. I'm not going to do anything dumb. Or mean. But I'm not going to be the one apologizing all the time, feeling like everything is my fault. I'm not going to be the pushover. Just this week, a peer at work said something I found insulting about the work that I am responsible for. He called it embarrassing. Usually I'd apologize. Seek feedback. Say: it will be better next time, I promise. Grovel grovel.

But I would never refer to anyone else's work as embarrassing. That's just not cool. Or productive. Or helpful in any way. And this time, rather than grovel and request "feedback", I said, "I'm offended by these comments and I'm not going to have this conversation right now." Wow that felt good.  He apologized later.

It's not lost on me that women generally say Thank You while men say You're welcome - a Prostrate vs Assertive stance but maybe something can be done to even the scales a bit. I'm gonna try to stick with this approach and see where it gets me. At the very least, it feels a whole better. And, to be clear, I'm not asking for everything to be sunshiney and light, rainbows and unicorns. I want helpful constructive criticism. But don't be overly emotional, vindictive, aggressive or passive aggressive. Don't use your perspective to belittle others. Just give me your opinion. I'll listen. Really.

I would like an apology about the Peters' assertions. I'm not demanding one. And I don't know who it would even come from or how it would be delivered. But I believe I deserve one.