Ode to FNL

Friday Night Lights...How do I love thee, let me count the ways:

1. Coach Taylor. The coach I always wanted. He cares about winning AND the kids. He yells sure, but he cares.  And he's a pretty darned good husband too. 
2. Mrs. Taylor. She's super hot and smart and always right when it comes to ethical dilemmas or any old dilemma the coach or the Taylors might face. And she's quick witted to boot. When Eric (aka Coach Taylor) said: You know who I miss... I miss the coach's wife. She said: You know who I can't wait to meet? The principal's husband. That's what I'm talking about, Mrs. T. (I do know those words were written for her, but she delivers them with such quiet gusto. That Connie Britton is something.)
3. The Taylors. He says: Ahh apologize. I love you. You were right. (He says this a lot.) She accepts.  They kiss. They are the model for my perfect relationship. They communicate with each other. They say they are sorry. And this all happens in Texas. Who knew. 
4. The way Matt Saracen says "gramma". And how he danced with her at Billy and Mindy's wedding. Could he be any sweeter?
5. Landry. People think he's ugly. I don't. He's smart and nerdy. And he loves that Tyra without heed. I didn't even mind the whole murder plot sidetrack which many felt was a shark jump moment. Not me. I fell for it. I fell for them. 
6. Tyra Collette. I love a fucked up, tortured, mess of a girl that you just want to root for anyway. And she sure is purdy.
7. I pretty much cry during every episode. I love a good cry. 
8. Lyla Garrity.  I even like her! She's supposed to be the good girl. The bitch. The priss. But she was screwing Jason Street (and she was a sophomore!) then she screwed his best friend, Tim, while Jason was in the hospital. Then she turned to Jesus. Then she turned back to Tim. She ain't that good. She's a mess too. 
9. Clear eyes, full hearts...can't lose. Indeed.  It has new meaning when Coach Taylor says it to the sucky East Dillon Lions. It means even more. I'm gonna use this one. Don't make fun. 
10. Tim Riggins. Oh please Tim, in all your fucked up long-haired drunken glory...come find me. Come knock on my door and take me in your arms, breathe your beery breath on me and look at me like you can't live without me. Please. 

Another new beginning

My GBF is leaving. I'm now in this alone. I don't feel like there's anyone left that I can trust or that inspires me - to be a better person, to be better at my job. So now what? There are a lot of people counting on me. My family. My team. My peers.

I've been thrown for such an unexpected loop. I knew we were close. I knew I valued his partnership. I know he makes me smarter every day. And he's been my rock in the last year and a half as my marriage imploded. But I didn't realize just how attached I was/am.

This feels like another another divorce without the arguing and animosity. I am unmoored. Untethered. "We are part of each other's stories now," he told me. True. But I saw him everyday. We started this journey together when it seemed impossible.  He made me laugh when I was teary. He drank beer with me on endless, tiring treks from here to there and back again. He bought shoes with me in fancy stores, indulged my Twilight obsession and always told me when I wasn't seeing things clearly and was about to do something stupid.

I hate that he's leaving. But it's the only dignified thing. They voted no. He has to vote yes for himself. At a certain point in your life you stop listening to who people tell you you are and you go with your own belief in who you are. Let this be a lesson to me.

And now my transition time comes to end. The instability at home has eased. Work, which had been my stability during the tumult, is officially wobbly. And now I start making decisions for  myself. I am still making most choices -- in some way, shape or form -- around my ex. To make his life easier. It is hard to even conceive of NOT doing that.

But I'm going to try. Something might get unleashed. Let's see...

Thanks June

I've been stymied. Unable to write anything. Busy.  Work blew up. My boss - the President of Dockers - quit. He had issues, no doubt. But we had a strong working relationship and an easy personal connection. He believed in me without reservation.  I ate that up with gusto.

I'm now attempting to fill the gap he left with my co-worker, Steve. My favorite gay. My favorite work partner. My friend. Somehow Steve sees me and makes me feel seen in a way that even my husband never could.

I've also been dating. Boy is that a conundrum after 16 years of a relationship.  I can't sum up the way I'm feeling. But this Ted Talk knocked my socks off and made me weep. So there must be something here as to how I'm feeling.

http://tinyurl.com/3goccsr


(Thanks June... my college roomie, my brave strong friend, a pioneer and thinker, a Ted maven and leader)