My GBF is leaving. I'm now in this alone. I don't feel like there's anyone left that I can trust or that inspires me - to be a better person, to be better at my job. So now what? There are a lot of people counting on me. My family. My team. My peers.
I've been thrown for such an unexpected loop. I knew we were close. I knew I valued his partnership. I know he makes me smarter every day. And he's been my rock in the last year and a half as my marriage imploded. But I didn't realize just how attached I was/am.
This feels like another another divorce without the arguing and animosity. I am unmoored. Untethered. "We are part of each other's stories now," he told me. True. But I saw him everyday. We started this journey together when it seemed impossible. He made me laugh when I was teary. He drank beer with me on endless, tiring treks from here to there and back again. He bought shoes with me in fancy stores, indulged my Twilight obsession and always told me when I wasn't seeing things clearly and was about to do something stupid.
I hate that he's leaving. But it's the only dignified thing. They voted no. He has to vote yes for himself. At a certain point in your life you stop listening to who people tell you you are and you go with your own belief in who you are. Let this be a lesson to me.
And now my transition time comes to end. The instability at home has eased. Work, which had been my stability during the tumult, is officially wobbly. And now I start making decisions for myself. I am still making most choices -- in some way, shape or form -- around my ex. To make his life easier. It is hard to even conceive of NOT doing that.
But I'm going to try. Something might get unleashed. Let's see...
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