I was bolt upright again in the middle of the night. Wide awake. This time it was 2 a.m. Even after swallowing 2 Advil PMs, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Maybe not that. I was awake. And I was tense. And angry. And generally contorted. AHHHH... when will this go away? These realizations that twist me even further in knots? These epiphanies that should bring clarity but bring more resentment, vexation. Contortion.
And then it is morning. And I am clear-headed and rational. I can breathe again. How is it that the night time always brings such madness? Is it because there is no light to let in reason? Or because there are no distractions from the irritations? So the irritations become picked scabs, red and inflamed and unmanageable. I think it's the latter.
And now it's July 4th. Yay. I will celebrate with my friends, watch fireworks from the roof. I'll enjoy not having to take the kids into account, worry if they're bored, but I'll miss them all the while. The holidays pass and I make slow progress towards...what I don't know. I feel like my life is time lapse photography, the holiday celebrations markers but time moving quickly in between. All the same people, all the same problems. But no Winslow. Is it better or worse? I think better. Maybe. I still can't say for sure.
I am stuck. I know I shouldn't be with him. But I can't let go of our family. And I can't not be mad that he is reinventing himself as outgoing and affectionate and un-angry for someone else.
On the flip side of my crazy, I had a great first date. B. Handsome. Small business owner. Seemingly chivalrous - he paid without hesitation. I'll see him again this week. I'll let him lead on this. And I will allow myself to be led. Hopefully somewhere pleasant where there is less anguish, agita and general unease. It would also be nice if there was a kind word, a hand hold and maybe even a full night's sleep in this magical place that I'm almost certain I will find one day, whether or not B is the one to take me there.
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