I'm dating. I knew I had to start sometime so I dove in earlier this year knowing full well I wasn't ready. Sounds mean, I know. But I knew I'd have some freak outs and I wanted to be through them all by the time I met someone nice. So I signed up on match. I did things like I usually do. Aggressively. I wrote, I responded, I winked. I went on a bunch of dates, all pretty lame. Some shockingly weird (the text about needing anal sex EVERY TIME after only one date and no hanky panky took the cake). I'd never dated in the age of texting or sexting or whatever the kids are calling it these days. I met my husband when I was 25. It was the mid-90s. I didn't have a cell phone and he didn't even have a regular phone (I'm not going to get into that one.) So this whole brazen sex maniac via technology thing was a little weird to me.
I found one booty call guy. He was hot (think Jacob from Twilight but 42). And nice enough. And, despite being my age, seemed to have limitless sex drive. That was fun. Got me over the hump, so to speak. I dated another. He was weird. I knew from the first. But I thought: maybe my filter is off. He seems nice. Maybe I don't know how to do nice? I don't. But that doesn't change the fact that he was weird. Soft and controlling at the same time. In a men's group. Ick. Not a good combination.
And now I've met someone actually nice. Lets call him "J". He's a grown up. He owns small businesses. He has two kids but has never been married. The youngest child he had with his best friend because she was on the brink of 40 and wanted to have a baby and he thought she deserved that. Good egg, this one. He's never been in a relationship, which certainly causes me pause. But he's decided that is what he wants, what he needs in his life. In fact, he's open about wanting to be married. Something I don't think I want. He pays, he's affectionate, he does chivalry well. He's easy to talk to and very open about his journey to this point in his life. I crossed over with him on a date last week. Sheerly because of how open he is. It cracked my heart a little.
And I realized I'd been comparing. I'd been wanting all the things I miss and love about my ex - his brain, his sense of humor (sometimes he'd laugh til he cried and when I was the one who prompted it... well there was no better feeling), his handsome face - and none of the things that didn't work - his darkness, his judgmental and controlling nature, his under employed-ness. And I wanted the things I didn't like corrected (meaning: emotionally "light" but still deep, open, working in a real job with real paychecks). This isn't how it works. It's not a Chinese menu. I have to start from blankness. No expectations. And J's wide eyed openness jarred me into this realization. He has no comparison for me. He's naturally starting from a blank slate. Which is how it needs to be done.
Another plus: he thinks I'm a little nutty. And I am. I'm a tad compulsive, a tad neurotic, very competitive, I go from happy to sad in nothing flat. I've joked with my therapist that I'm manic depressive "light" and he didn't protest.
I'm not sure why J thinks I'm nutty. I haven't let this side show too much (or maybe I have). But he texted me one morning (see what I mean about the texting): has anyone ever told you you're a nut? At first I took offense. But only slightly. And then I realized, he's right. And that's ok. He likes it. He finds it charming. And I am supposed to be the nut in the relationship. But for years, I couldn't be. My ex was so dark, and emotionally up and down, and angry and off kilter that I had to be the sane one. The even tempered, get-up-and-deal-no-matter-what one. And I'm supposed to be the kook. I was denied my kookiness! And I felt out of touch with myself.
So I'm enjoying it. I get to be the wacky, just slightly off kilter nutbag. The off kilter nutbag that is still highly competent (no one wants an actual crazy person). We'll see where it goes. He's ready to jump in faster than I am. But he knows this. I'm honest about where I am. Crazy and all.
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