This is me and my friend Doe. It was 1998, New Year's Eve. I took something of the chemical variety, most certainly. Though I probably generally looked that happy. I was unmarried but madly in love. I had a good job that I liked enough. I had great friends, Doe included. I was not a parent but that would change very soon. Sooner than planned. I was unencumbered, young (29, if I've estimated the year on this pic correctly), hotter than I realized (I should've realized!) and having the time of my life in San Francisco. I remember dancing that night to Prince's "1999" though at the moment I'm a little fuzzy about whether or not we were welcoming '99 or seeing it go. Nonetheless I love this picture. And I love my friend Doe.
2011 was a big year for me and Doe. She came forward and spoke to the press about her abusive coach. As an incredibly private person, I can't imagine how hard this was for her. Boy am I proud of her. And I think she's finding some peace for the first time in a very long time. I'm proud of myself too on this one. I almost took that bit out of my book about a gazillion times. But I thought: if you want to take it out, it's the part that most has to stay in. It's the part that will ruffle feathers, sure. Which is why you're having second thoughts. But it's true. Leave it. And I did. With Doe's blessing. And now more than 3 years later, it's all come out in the wash. Peters is banned from the sport. He's ousted from the Hall of Fame. And Doe and I are still friends. Best of...
What else? As I look back, I've waded through a lot this year. Last New Year's Eve I'd been on my own less than 4 months. I had friends over to celebrate and I cried most of the time. Quite the hostess I was. I've had more than a few bouts of crying over the last 12 months. Usually brought on by one too many glasses of pinot noir. And an armful of girlfriends to listen to me bawl - "But why didn't he ....[insert choice of phrase here: love me more, try harder, want to have another baby with me...blah blah blah waah waah waah"].
But they - the crying jags - petered out around April or May. I still had my fits of weepiness often brought on by a date. A bad one (is this what's in store?) or a good one (it's officially over, the marriage that is). But then I kind of got my footing sometime this summer. Me and the kids had our "summer of adventure". We went water skiing, fishing, zip lining and so much more. And I started to appreciate the quiet. And by quiet I mean the quiet in my mind. The hardest thing now is welcoming someone new into my life. I associate being with someone with criticism and an unquiet mind. I have to open myself up to the idea that there can be peace in togetherness. Not gay Steve is helping with that. (More on gay Steve coming next.)
I'm calmer now. At work, in life, in parenting. My kids are great. Thriving, in fact. Everyone who interacts with Wyatt these days says: What happened to Wyatt? He's a different boy! So talkative and outgoing. Yup. He's come out of his shell. The kid's got great parents.
I've tried some new things this year. Internet dating. Never thought I'd do that. I joined the board of a non-profit close to my heart, Safe4Athletes. And I can say Doe brought me to them, both literally and in a more figurative sense. I stopped exercising (ok have to fix that ... part of the 'look ahead' bit coming next). I connected with old friends (Lisa, Jessica and a host of other ex-gymnasts) and let new ones in. I realized that formerly work-friend Steve (gay Steve) is friend-for-life-friend Steve. As he told me earlier this year, "We are part of each other's stories now." Yes we are.
I didn't write as much as I would like to be able to say I had. But I used this blog as a means of not panicking, as I said I would at it's inception (thanks KFarr, for telling me to start it for that very reason). I pissed some people off with things I wrote that were stupid and unthoughtful, divulging information that wasn't mine to share. I apologized profusely and with all sincerity and profundity. I learned to express myself in real life (not writing) just a little bit better. That one is still a bit tough for me, I'll admit. I got a new boss. Which seems to be going well. And I built a new home for myself.
Looking ahead... ahhhh. How to do this without coming up with stuff that I will not do and then disappoint myself in the process? Keep it simple. I will exercise. No marathons. Just move the bod a few days a week. I will drink less of that pinot. I'm not not drinking. No way. But less. And I'll write for real. Not signing up to finish a book. But I'll commit myself to trying. That'll do it. Look out 2012. A new calm Jen will take a walk every once in a while, not get drunk every Saturday and scribble a few lines of something' somethin'. Wow, the world won't know what to do with itself.
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