When I am anxious I do the following things that are bad for me: pick my fingers, bite the inside of my mouth, drink wine (in relative moderation), watch bad TV. I do not do the following things that are good for me: exercise, get fresh air, write, read, see people. I suppose I've always had some anxiety. It was hard as a kid to compete in the way that I did. But as a grown up, it's been moderate. And even sometimes productive when I can lasso it into 'energy' rather than panic. Except for the last few months, since I separated from my husband. Now the anxiety breaks in and won't leave. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe.
But I started today in the good place - took a long walk, actually did sit ups and push ups. Been a while. Felt good.
Then the anxiety set in. I had walked the kids back to dad's at about 10:30am. Took the walk, in an effort to maybe enjoy the time to myself. Thought I'd even see a movie after. But then... the anxiety descended. At which point I took to the couch to watch bad TV (Millionaire Matchmaker, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) and convinced myself that leaving the house was a very bad idea. I went into a forced slumber to extract some relief.
And now I'm writing this down because the whole purpose of this thing is to keep anxiety at bay. To do something slightly more productive than engaging in a marathon Real Housewives session while bludgeoning my fingers.
I think it's the notion of 3 days stretched before me with no work, no kids. Sounds nice but it freaks me out. A little too much empty space for my tastes. Since today is reasonably over enough that I can settle in and finish reading the Sunday paper before retiring to my pajamas, I will chalk this day up as a "transition". Tomorrow will be better. Fresh air, long walks and movies await.
No comments:
Post a Comment