The end of approval seeking? Sometime?

I had a lovely Sunday with my friend Shannon. Saw a bad chick flick (I don't know how she does it - does Sarah Jessica have only one mode? It was charming as a young New Yorker for a while, now, it's somewhat cloying). And we had a lovely lunch in the Indian summer sun. She seems to find a way of therapizing me - she's a therapist - that isn't too much. Feels like being a friend. But more insight. And there is a kind of professional empathy that goes along with it.

She encouraged me to take this moment - this alone time - and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. She said it nicer than that, of course. Why do I continue to be such a pleaser. Why is it that I can be grateful to be on my own and know in my head (with my brain, not my heart) that my marriage was a match that was doomed, that I felt disrespected and disregarded in; and at the same time, I feel it was my shortcoming ONLY. Somehow. I know that isn't true. I don't feel it though.

I apologize profusely, still. To the sound of silence. No response. Certainly no acknowledgement that we both had a role in the ugliness.

And I continue to seek the approval of others. And the granting of that approval is all the more desirable if they seem unwilling to give it. How fucked up and dumb is that? Yeah it's all cuz of gymnastics. I had coaches that not only withheld approval but aggressively dished out criticism. It was enough just to have the screaming and name calling stop. That felt like endorsement! But really, Jen? You know all of this. And you're not over it? Apparently not.

I do it at work. I chase it. The one guy, the one leader, who won't willingly and cheerfully acknowledge my contributions... well, that's the guy I am desperate to please. And never will. I had one boss, once, that didn't make me chase it. He said up front: You're the best at what you do. You're smart. And I certainly don't want to have to debate you. And then we moved on. We debated, we argued, we agreed... and I never doubted my worth. Now, why I'd debate my worth pending anyone's approval is the real question. But, I needed the confirmation, he granted it and then we moved on. Is it possible to have this in a relationship? I believe so. But not if I keep chasing the bad kinds.

I don't really continually chase them. I chased one. For 16 years. And I still feel tied to him (I am). And I still feel somehow at fault. If I were "better", if I could have "taken" more, wouldn't it all have worked out? At my expense, perhaps, but it would have worked out.

Ok...I know I've said it before. And I'll say it again. Lets do this. Lets stop the approval seeking. Lets work on just approving of myself.  I suppose some therapy is in order. Some more, I should say. And on we go.