No More Pleasing

I am a pleaser. I can't help it. It's what I do. I seek approval. I do it with a degree of grace and discretion. I'm not crawling on the ground, obviously supplicant, begging for scraps of love. Well maybe I am. My fall back setting is: make others happy. Impress them. Put your own needs second - no make that last - in order to ensure that others approve and feel like their needs are met first. A few examples:

1. My Marriage: I never, not once, said to my husband: get a job. It isn't fair. You need to work. I knew it would hurt him. I knew work was hard for him. Dealing with the world, with corporate America tarnished his pure soul. Mine isn't pure so it's ok for me to sacrifice myself to "the man". But not someone as sensitive and special as he is/was to me. So I slogged. I wanted a break but didn't ask for it. Now I wasn't perfect. My resentment and anger surfaced in ugly ways. But I didn't feel I had the right to say: Go to work. I'd like to take a rest for a while. I just didn't think I deserved it. And I knew I could handle whatever it was that needed to be handled. I buckled down and did it. But not without detriment.

2. Work: There isn't a specific example here. It's the constant petitioning for approbation. Trolling for a pat on the back. For what? I'm an adult. Can't I grant myself "ok status"? I should be able to, I suspect.

3. My Divorce: I still want his approval. Still. I walked out the door, I said "I can't take it anymore!" and yet I still find myself soliciting forgiveness. Big "F" forgiveness (please tell me I'm not horrible for wanting out even though I was passive aggressively shoved out through controlling and obsessive behaviors ; never mind that those who leave aren't forgiven, not ever, so I really should just accept this and stop striving for it. I mean, if you leave, aren't you basically saying: I don't care what you think anymore? No. I realize the answer to that is "No" if you're me.). But also little "f" forgiveness: I couch everything apologetically. "Could I maybe see them early next weekend? I mean, if it's not too much trouble."; "I have to go away for work next week. I am SO sorry. It's the last time I promise." ; "Do you think maybe it would be ok if we maybe possibly traded a day 3 weeks from next Wednesday? If it's not too much trouble and I'm really sorry!" Can't I just ask without acting like I'm asking for his kidney?

This has to stop. No more. Well, maybe some more but I'll work towards no more. Someday. It's going to be a hard habit to break. I've been doing it for almost 40 years. It's pretty firmly ingrained in who I am. A few first steps might include: not dating someone I don't like (yes I do this now to avoid hurting feelings; it doesn't work very well. I hurt their feelings eventually); doing my job and leaving it at work; telling W what I want/need rather than begging forgiveness for it.

This is going to take some real effort. Might be the supreme act of courage in my life. I get all tingly thinking about it. I'm sure it will be liberating, if I can pull it off. Sounds lame to call it "courage". People do really courageous things all the time - things like rescuing people from burning buildings, joining the army, teaching at risk kids in violent drug addled neighborhoods. I don't feel comfortable calling my new outlook courageous. But, given that I'm scared to try it out, it will certainly require a bit of pluck. Yup. That's what this will be. My act of pluck. That sounds better. Pluck sounds fun. It's much less austere than "courage". I can do "pluck". Pluck here I come.